Hum.

I put up with a lot of bullshit. I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I'm drinking a bottle of rootbeer and I've had a great weekend of aloneness.
I ate carrot cake with my dinner tonight.
My typhoid medicine makes me sleepy.

what comes at the end.

I can't stop thinking about death. I wonder what it means, if anything. I hope it's nothing. Maybe a reminder from my subconscious to keep living. To remind me how I much I don't want to be a Lisa and John Johnson from Green Bay, Wisconsin, with annual donations to their alma mater of twenty-five dollars, little junior yelling something intelligible on the family answering machine. But maybe I think that now, because what, I'm nineteen.
I talk to some of these people and I wonder if their lives have meaning. There's so much I want to ask them, to tell them about. Are you happy? Do you dream at all? What was it like? What is it still like? What are you living for? Who?
The thing is, you cannot ask these things of people who you are trying to get to donate to their university at work. Maybe I should just pick up a phone book and start giving people calls.
I'd like to ask people I meet, but that's some sort of social taboo, I guess.
My dreams have been really vivid and strange. One in particular stands out and evokes such a strong feeling of guilt in me. I don't know why. I'm not sure if I want to explore deeper and find out why because it just seems like a weird situation to have pop up in my dreams, but there is so much emotion that I do not understand stemming from it.

Being back in Eau Claire is nice, I guess. My bike is here. Every time I walk by the bike lock-ups, I get all smiley inside. It rained today and as I was walking to class in a t-shirt and wet sweater, all I could think about was that my bike was getting damp. I think I'm going to chain it up under the thing at Towers so it least it will have some protection from the elements, but at the same time, there are more bikes there so more of a chance someone will mess around with it. Maybe it will be ok where it is now.

Saint Cloud.

So Friday Ian took me with some of his friends to go see some more of their friends play a show in Saint Cloud. Why Saint Cloud, you ask? Good question.
I've decided that I'm going to base my views of people living in Saint Paul on the twenty or so people in that basement. For the rest of my life.
Basically, think of the grossest people you've seen. Not just, unshowered gross, but like, some genetic malfunction amount of gross. And ranging from all ages, so it wasn't just one unlucky generation or something.
So, don't go to Saint Cloud. Ever. It is a bad part of the great state of Minnesota.
And I've heard it is a city comparable in size to the Eau Claire, especially with the university and all. But I will have none of it. And if Eau Claire were to be an ugly city (which it is not, thank you very much) I would at least be able to explain it by the fact that it is in Wisconsin.
What's your excuse, Saint Cloud?
Yeah. That's what I thought.

mrrw.

I'm sleepy. I've been running around a lot today doing awesome things with Ryn. This is this first day since last Friday I have not hung out with Ian because he works. So it is weird to be alone right now. I go back to Eau Claire on Sunday so I'll get used to aloneness pretty quickly again, I guess. But this time it will be spring-er and I'll have my bike! Eeeek. I got an awesome bike bag for my birthday and I'm super excited about it. I can't wait to go out biking everywhere. So handy and nice and perfect.
I just want to nap. I really don't need one, though. Tonight I am going to Minneapolis with Ryn to eat dinner with one of her friends and some of her friends friends. So it will be weird, but hey, I like dinner. Ryn is having a formal dinner party on Saturday and it will be bomb. I can't wait. Ian's taking me to Cosetta's Friday too, so eeee. I love gettin' fancy.

friday.

The past week's been kind of crappy in the sense of finding out who was my friends and who actually wasn't. As it turns out, no one's my true friend, so that's awesome. At least not in Wisconsin. Oh well. Whatever. I've never been too good at making friends and it's frustrating to say the least when the people you thought were actually friends turn out to be just plain old jerks like everybody else.
I'm glad it's the weekend but I hate not having anyone to play with. Oh well. I'm hoping to go out to peace park tomorrow and hang out with some really awesome people and just have a slammin' time. Hopefully that works out because usually when I try and do something like this I go off and get lost all alone and just end up completely bummed out. Oh well, hopefully the weather will be as gorgeous as it has been the past couple of days. That at least makes not having friends bearable because I at least get to wear skirts. I'm really excited for spring break because Ian is being really awesome and is coming to pick me up next Friday. And then I'll get to be at home and I'll get to bring a lot of skirts back to school since the weather is getting nicer and I can wear them again!
Turns out I brought all my skirts home and only have one lone sundress in my closet. It's gonna be way too cold for that still, but at least I'm prepared?