Exhausted but

Eau Claire is so amazing!

I've been having such a good week or however long I've been here. It feels like eternity. Right now it doesn't feel like college yet, just more like summer camp. There's been a lot of stuff going on for orientation and like a welcome back to campus sort of thing. 

Today there was a huge tie dying party with free pizza, starbucks, soda, and all these other things that were just plain neat. I went over to this group of people and started talking to them (turns out they were upperclas

smen, too!) and they invited me to come with them to a 

rootbeer kegger that's apparently going on later in one of the park places. 

It seems like there's always something going on, its so much fun!

This morning I went to this extremely wonderful farmer's market with my RA and a few girls. I really like the RA. She's doing this "challege" where she only eats locally grown food for a month which is really cool. I've somewhat befriended a lot of the people from my hall so far but I think the one I have the most in common with is a girl 

named Casey from Minnesota.

She is from Minnesota too but she moved here from Scotland when she was 10 or so so she has a really awesome accent. 

We met on Friday standing in line for a free picnic like thing. 

Friday was also amazing. 

We had meetings first with our all freshman class and then within our major's department. Since I'm majoring in psychology, I was obviously with all the psych kids and professors. 

They talked about a lot of stuff and one of the things that came up was this opportunity to work with Autistic kids through a behavior analysis emphasis. In order to be chosen for the internship, there are a lot of prerequisites and you have to basically ace all the classes and have a really good GPA and be on really good terms with all the professors. I want to work with that program so badly. I can't even begin how to imagine how amazing that work would be. The unversity runs a progra

m where parents of Autistic kids ages ranging from 1.5-4 to come in and learn things like communication and coloring and things like that. 

I really want to be in that program. It would be such a wonderful experience, I'm sure of it.

I know if I work really really hard I can do it. I'm passionate enough about it to do the work and get it done. 

I feel like this is something I have to do in order to be fully happy or whatnot. I don't really know how to explain it, but I want it so bad. I have a lot of plans for after college and even though that's in what see

ms like a long time, I know working with this program will only help me get where I want to be and do what I want to do. 

I'm so in love with this town as well. There's a local theater putting on an actual stage production of Rocky Horror, callbacks and thing-throwing and all. I'm going. There's also a really big bohemian part of town and a store that has henna parties every new moon.

These next years are 

going to be wonderful. 

At the farmer's market this morning I bought some beautiful flowers and put them in cut up water bottles in my dorm. 

I love it.

I should probably be out there right now

First day of Eau Claire, and here I am... sitting alone in my dorm room, in my bed, surfing the internets. I should be out talking to people in my residence hall, making friends and meeting new people. 

I'm really not feeling it today though, at all. I don't want to converse or be jolly or even smile at the people who walk by my room. Nothing bad has happened, nothing has gone wrong, I'm just plain not in the mood. I'm exhausted. I think the past two days are catching up to me--- going up to Duluth and barely sleeping only to wake up and pack and then not sleep again the following night. Not that I regret either of those decisions in the least, I wouldn't go back and change it for more sleep if I could. But I really should be out there.

My roommate is nice. She has a ton of friends from her school and stuff. She introduced me to a ton of them but I don't really remember any of them. I ate dinner with them all as well in the cafeteria. I was too uncomfortable to really eat so I just had a salad. The best thing about Eau Claire is the cafeteria has a juice machine and grape juice is one of the options. I drank a ton of that stuff and it was delicious. There are also a lot of different selections of juice which is wonderful because I'm a juice-loving type.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for some groceries. Hopefully I can figure out the bus schedule so I don't have to haul all that stuff around like a madwoman. 

Maybe I can find someone to come with me. That would be really swell. 

I talked to this one girl, Jenny, who resides a few doors down from me. She's an Eau Claire local so maybe she'd be willing to show me around this here town. I'll have to talk to her tomorrow. She seemed pretty nice from our short conversation. I'd go over tonight but I'm the opposite of motivated right now. 

Last full day of Minnesota

The title just about says it all. I can't believe I'm moving already. It still seems like it should be forever away, like summer can't possibly be done yet. I'm just getting started! 

I'm really excited but really nervous at the same time as well.

The thought of living in a tiny space with someone I've never met before is absolutely insane. I really hope I like this random girl. I'm sure I'll get along with her, I get along with practically anyone--- but I hope I actually get along with her and not that muted sort of "Oh, I have to share this space with you so I might as well make this nice" yanno.

I'm sitting in my bed, tapping into some free wifi from god only knows where, listening to the rain and some Kimya Dawson. I've got a dentist appointment at 1:40 today and later David and I are going to hang out while I pack.

Last night I went to Duluth with Ian, his roommate Kevin, and this kid John. We were going up to see Aesop Rock who was playing at a Pizza Luce. We got there in perfect time and it started at around 10 PM and lasted until about 1:30 in the morning. The drive home was ridiculously long then and I think we ended up back in St. Paul at 4:30. I then had to drive back home, another half an hour. When I got home at around 5, my mom was just getting out of the shower. She was pissed, of course, but yeah. 

Today I just have to pack like hell. I realize now that I don't have a lot of socks or underwear or at least not that I can find. I should really run out and buy some more later which kind of sucks.

I just got paid today though, which is awesome since I quit my job a week ago and its more than I was expecting to be paid.

I bet I have a bunch of tips still in my envelope but in all honesty, I don't want to go back to Applebee's just yet. I'm hungry as hell though. 

I should quit this procrastination thing here for right now and actually go get some stuff done before the dentist screws me up some more.

Peace.

But soft.

Almost everything I post here seems to start something along the lines of "I have so much to do" or some other alternative way of saying that same statement. And this one does too, now. It's true-- I should really just be packing and cleaning and anything but staying up until odd hours typing on this little blog-amajig. 

But here I am, another night like many nights before this and probably many nights to come. I should stop talking about being busy and maybe for once finish my cleaning and such so I won't be busy. Hah.

I was at the state fair today. The crowds were overwhelming. Its really nice to be sitting here alone in the dark just to unwind. I need that some of the time.

I really don't have anything to say to be honest.

we know a place where no planes go - - -

I cracked open my copy of The Great Gatsby a few days ago and since then have been wondering the meaning of and where the quote in the opening of the novel came from. Today I just happened to google it out of curiosity.
The author of the quote is actually a pen name of F. Scott Fitzgerald and a fictional character in one of his other novels. I am moved beyond words, beyond expression, beyond everything else I can feel. The many times I've read this book I've never found out where this came from. I loved Gatsby so much before and now.. wow. Its like the book has come full circle, everything tied together. I'm so happy I could cry. This novel is beautiful.

then wear the gold hat, if that will move her; if you can bounce high, bounce for her too, till she cry “lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover, i must have you!”

- - - -thomas parke d’invilliers.

I don't even care about talking about today or yesterday or tomorrow or anything. I am just moved and tired and a jumble of fluff. I am so indescribable.
I move in five days and I'm starting to realize I'm not going to have time to see everyone I'd like to before I go. I'm really sad but at the same time... I don't know.

.goodnight.

dirty feet

Yesterday night Ryn and I went out to St. Paul to go hang with Ian. We walked around his 'hood and lurked around Harriet Island and the surrounding area until the wee hours of the morning. I don't think I'll ever get over how beautiful the night scene of St. Paul is from the banks of the Mississippi. I love the reflections of the street lights and buildings in the water, the ripples and waves that send little cascades of glowing color all over the otherwise black river like little underwater sea monsters, dipping and diving for our private viewing pleasure.
I love water, any form of it.
In the future I'd love to live near a river and just have the option of walking down to its banks whenever just to be there.
The night reminded me of The Great Gatsby, one of my favorite books of all time that for some reason or another, I haven't thought of in a while. I love that fervent, desperate longing Gatsby feels and how he's so deluded with his life and relationships he wouldn't even recognize truth. His overwhelming rejection of the true reality in exchange for his own reality just pulls at me for some reason in a way I can't find words to expand upon. I can't help but love that its set in the 1920s which is probably one of my favorite time periods of ever, as well. I don't know what draws me to that time. Maybe because that's when cities and skyscrapers were born. I love the city, I love walking through a forest of skyscrapers, I love being anonymous in crowds of the anonymous... I'm starting not to make sense so I'll keep it to a minimum.
For my birthday this year Ryn bought me this amazing copy of the novel with gold pages and everything.

I went to the dentist this morning and the novicane is driving me wild. I feel like its spreading through my face and into my throat. Swallowing is getting weird and my nose and eye are starting to be off too. I wonder if novicane can spread like that at all even. This feels terrible. But I'm in such a good mood that I don't really even care.

My last day of work is tonight. Its kind of sad but happy at the same time. I had some good times at the 'Bees.

today was not wasted

Here I am, writing from early Tuesday morning. In seven hours I will wake up fully into the Tuesday ahead of me, fully begin living the day. But for now these are the hours of Tuesday without any drive or goal or real destination.
This is the real Tuesday and the first Tuesday of the rest of my life because while these early hours of the morning may seem like they are wasted, for what better use could I put them to? Right now I'm content and complacent, eyes barely open and entire body tingly and numb with the smooth night-hour air. It feels different right now than it does from any other time of the day and I can appreciate it without worrying about things that need to be done or something else pressing and mindnumbing.
It's so easy to be swept away in the daylight hours, so easy to think that life has this huge goal and purpose and meaning behind it. If you're not working or doing this or achieving that, you're wasting what little life you have. Allegedly, I guess. What does it all add up to in the end?
Your hours spent in a career you hate, earning money to pay off a house and raise your family and all the while racing your biological clock, every tick echoing like Big Ben across the vast London of your insides seems to be the real American dream, hell, anyone's dream. What everyone works for.
Go to high school so you can go to college so you can get a job so you can make money so you can find a hot wife so you can have kids so you can move to the suburbs so you can raise a family so your children can go to school so they can support you when you're older than dirt and can't remember how to poop so you can wake up every morning and do the same thing over and over. That's the purpose driven life, what everyone wants. To put this meaning into their lives.
But I don't want my life to have this huge overhanging meaning. I don't want the pressure of having to achieve this and that and make money or raise a family. I don't want to try and beat death, try and make the most money or land the hottest piece of ass. I don't want my life to be spent waking up to do the same thing as the day before: commuting to work, driving under the overpass, aptly tagged with "good morning lemmings".

People always say life is so short when really, what can you do that's longer? There's the belief of the eternal soul, I guess. But when you die, you probably just die.

Shit, I just want to do what pleases me, if I'm broke off my ass and smiling you couldn't find me happier. Other people seem happier knowing something has a purpose, a reason. But no matter what you do, you die. Any route you take, any move, or mistake, or choice. . . anything. You die. I don't understand why so many people don't just live out their lives how they want instead of having so many regrets, moments where they say "I should have done this, I should have done that. . . " There is no rhyme or reason behind life. Even if you get super rich and have a huge family, you die just the same as a train hopping hobo on the sidewalk. As long as you die with a smile on your face you're probably doing it right. Even if you die all cool and covered in blood and guts and stuff its still probably pretty awesome.

It's like the song 10 Things by Paul Baribeau. Well, not the bloody gutty part but you know.
I think I might sleep now.
See you on the flip side, blog.