It's Sunday!
I haven't written a post-y thing in a month. Now if I ever try to recall what happened in the month of April to May it will be simply a blur.

I met a girl named Jenna this morning when we went out to breakfast together. I wiped out on my bike on the way there, stellar. She told me a story about how last week an 18 year old guy died riding his bike on Clairmont, which is horrible. I was in Sam's car driving down there today and I saw his "memorial". . it was a bike spray-painted white with plastic roses covering it and bouquets tied to the traffic poles.. It took me a second to put two and two together and it was really sad.
Sam told me about how a teacher brought her 1-year-old to the campus last Thursday or Friday and when they were walking up the stairs in Hibbard he fell down them. And died.

Holy effin' god.
How could you ever work there again? I feel so so so bad for that professor. That is so unspeakably horrible. I almost cried when she told me.
That's all.

The Rescue

http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/#/situation/

Seriously. Check out the link. Sign up. Go out on April 25th and spread the word about abducted child soldiers in Africa and the unseen war in Uganda.

Hum.

I put up with a lot of bullshit. I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I'm drinking a bottle of rootbeer and I've had a great weekend of aloneness.
I ate carrot cake with my dinner tonight.
My typhoid medicine makes me sleepy.

what comes at the end.

I can't stop thinking about death. I wonder what it means, if anything. I hope it's nothing. Maybe a reminder from my subconscious to keep living. To remind me how I much I don't want to be a Lisa and John Johnson from Green Bay, Wisconsin, with annual donations to their alma mater of twenty-five dollars, little junior yelling something intelligible on the family answering machine. But maybe I think that now, because what, I'm nineteen.
I talk to some of these people and I wonder if their lives have meaning. There's so much I want to ask them, to tell them about. Are you happy? Do you dream at all? What was it like? What is it still like? What are you living for? Who?
The thing is, you cannot ask these things of people who you are trying to get to donate to their university at work. Maybe I should just pick up a phone book and start giving people calls.
I'd like to ask people I meet, but that's some sort of social taboo, I guess.
My dreams have been really vivid and strange. One in particular stands out and evokes such a strong feeling of guilt in me. I don't know why. I'm not sure if I want to explore deeper and find out why because it just seems like a weird situation to have pop up in my dreams, but there is so much emotion that I do not understand stemming from it.

Being back in Eau Claire is nice, I guess. My bike is here. Every time I walk by the bike lock-ups, I get all smiley inside. It rained today and as I was walking to class in a t-shirt and wet sweater, all I could think about was that my bike was getting damp. I think I'm going to chain it up under the thing at Towers so it least it will have some protection from the elements, but at the same time, there are more bikes there so more of a chance someone will mess around with it. Maybe it will be ok where it is now.

Saint Cloud.

So Friday Ian took me with some of his friends to go see some more of their friends play a show in Saint Cloud. Why Saint Cloud, you ask? Good question.
I've decided that I'm going to base my views of people living in Saint Paul on the twenty or so people in that basement. For the rest of my life.
Basically, think of the grossest people you've seen. Not just, unshowered gross, but like, some genetic malfunction amount of gross. And ranging from all ages, so it wasn't just one unlucky generation or something.
So, don't go to Saint Cloud. Ever. It is a bad part of the great state of Minnesota.
And I've heard it is a city comparable in size to the Eau Claire, especially with the university and all. But I will have none of it. And if Eau Claire were to be an ugly city (which it is not, thank you very much) I would at least be able to explain it by the fact that it is in Wisconsin.
What's your excuse, Saint Cloud?
Yeah. That's what I thought.

mrrw.

I'm sleepy. I've been running around a lot today doing awesome things with Ryn. This is this first day since last Friday I have not hung out with Ian because he works. So it is weird to be alone right now. I go back to Eau Claire on Sunday so I'll get used to aloneness pretty quickly again, I guess. But this time it will be spring-er and I'll have my bike! Eeeek. I got an awesome bike bag for my birthday and I'm super excited about it. I can't wait to go out biking everywhere. So handy and nice and perfect.
I just want to nap. I really don't need one, though. Tonight I am going to Minneapolis with Ryn to eat dinner with one of her friends and some of her friends friends. So it will be weird, but hey, I like dinner. Ryn is having a formal dinner party on Saturday and it will be bomb. I can't wait. Ian's taking me to Cosetta's Friday too, so eeee. I love gettin' fancy.

friday.

The past week's been kind of crappy in the sense of finding out who was my friends and who actually wasn't. As it turns out, no one's my true friend, so that's awesome. At least not in Wisconsin. Oh well. Whatever. I've never been too good at making friends and it's frustrating to say the least when the people you thought were actually friends turn out to be just plain old jerks like everybody else.
I'm glad it's the weekend but I hate not having anyone to play with. Oh well. I'm hoping to go out to peace park tomorrow and hang out with some really awesome people and just have a slammin' time. Hopefully that works out because usually when I try and do something like this I go off and get lost all alone and just end up completely bummed out. Oh well, hopefully the weather will be as gorgeous as it has been the past couple of days. That at least makes not having friends bearable because I at least get to wear skirts. I'm really excited for spring break because Ian is being really awesome and is coming to pick me up next Friday. And then I'll get to be at home and I'll get to bring a lot of skirts back to school since the weather is getting nicer and I can wear them again!
Turns out I brought all my skirts home and only have one lone sundress in my closet. It's gonna be way too cold for that still, but at least I'm prepared?

chiiirp.

Nineteen days 'til my nineteenth birthday. How neat is that? I'm so excited for spring break. I've just been extremely lazy these past coupla weeks. I skipped class today just because I wasn't feelin' the whole going back down the hill. Gross.
It's absolutely beautiful outside, too, loving the weather. So sunny and bright and joyjoyjoy. Why can't it be summer already? I can't wait.
When I went back home last weekend Ryn showed me this TV show called Dexter and now I'm addicted to it. I've been watching it online for so long it isn't even funny. It is about a serial killer who kills serial killers and it is fantastic.
I really have nothing to say, at all. I want summer.

census 2010.

Today my friend Zac contacted me about an opportunity to work for the US Government in collecting census information. Basically, for census 2010, the Government is hiring in hoards. And usually with quite good pay, to the tune of $11/hour in Eau Claire's case. Not very many people know about it but the census is a HUGELY important thing.

"Census data are used to distribute Congressional seats to states, to make decisions about what community services to provide, and to distribute $300 billion in federal funds to local, state and tribal governments each year." (my understanding is that this equates to the loss of $1,000 for each person (documented or undocumented... "Federal law protects the personal information you share during the census"), each year over the 10 years that this census is used.
(from the email Zac sent out. . . )

This is just a great experience, I'm so excited. The only thing I need to get ahold of is my passport so I can have 2 valid forms of I.D. These sorts of jobs are popping up all over and while they are only temporary, they are probably going to be avaliable throughout the year. I'd write more about it and about the experience and everything, but I have to study. So this is all, for now.

did ya see the stars last night.

punctuation for a perfect poem. . . ugh.

i don't wanna do anything, ever. it's been so warm here and raining. raining rain raindrops raining rain rain raining. the campus is practically underwater. soggy and delightful, i love it-- don't get me wrong. it's february 10th and i'm already looking forward to may 10th. and may 15th, the day of commencement. then, summer summer times.

lately i've been wandering around watching the lights reflect off the puddles and thinking and smiling and not much else. my work week is done, which is nice, but terrible at the same time as i am almost completely broke and have ten more days until i'm paid. last weekend i spent money, too, which i'm pretty mad at myself about because i have absolutely nothing to spare.
i want to save up at least twenty-five hundo before next august and i really don't think that's going to happen which is shitty as hell because i have this crazy idea in the back of my head to go to germany. a flight there only costs roughly $700 roundtrip, but i at the same time need to save up money for airfare to costa rica, which is also roughly in that range, except for one way. and then i need to save up airfare from costa rica to nicaragua, and then from nicaragua back home. and then for trip expenses and all the like. it's madcrazy and i hate it.
i'm super stressed about being able to find a summer job too. i want to pick up another job on campus, even. my savings is so gone from not having a job over winter break. i have roughly. . . well, nothing. yuck.
i hate thinking about it.

OH MY GODDAMN!!!

Another week where I have a lot less to do. My sociology class was canceled once more for the entire week. I'm sad though, it is my favorite class I have this semester. The professor is amazing, I love listening to what he has to say. We've only had 2 class periods but I'm so excited for it to get started.

I am also really into my behavior analysis course. I want to go far through it so I'm working really hard to impress the professor. I even joined this book club that meets every Friday to talk about psychological issues so he'll notice me. I had to buy a thirty dollar book, too. I just really want to be on his good side because if I become one of his research assistants I'll be in love with my life.

The next two days are supposed to be pretty nice. Today it feels like Germany outside, if you minus the snow. It's gorgeous and it's lonely. I can't wait for walking back from work. It will be all misty and lighted and gorgeous and just chilling.
Beautiful.

goddamn-- i mean goshdarn.

I’m always dumbing up the smart things
And smarting up the dumb things
And knottin’ up my shoe strings
And messing up the good things.

that's exactly how i felt on the bus today. i was talking to casey and then out of nowhere some girl started talking about some TV show and i was like, wow, i have no idea what you are talking about, there's no way i could start up a conversation like that, this is why i don't have friends because this is what people want to talk about and i don't want to talk about that.

this song makes me cry. i just bought it. i couldn't resist.
i'm broke as all hell. but i feel like cloud cult is ok.
god. so worth it. i don't even care.
my roommate is on the futon yesterday and i'm trying not to cry too obviously. i'm done now, i think. god, i don't think so. this album is so beautiful. cloud cult is so beautiful.

i'm so excited for may second when I AM GOING TO SEE THEM AGAIN.
my life is a magical wonderful experience. i guess this is the dream for me.
i've had a really good day.
and i had a really loud outburst at lunch. which is something i'm fond of doing because it reminds me of david because we'd have a lot of loud outbursts together and i miss him because he's a lot further away then i like to think about. and one of my really best friends.
we were talking, and he's going to a similar shy-not making friends stage and not being able to talk about the right stuff.
i like to yell loud and sing and dance and break myself in glee.
i'm really no good at people. at all. and i try really, really hard sometimes. but not enough. i never try enough, because if i did, i'd have something to show. i wouldn't be too scared to talk to beth. i wouldn't be too scared to talk to other interesting people i want to meet.
in my sociology class, i was the first person to volunteer an answer for the entire semester and my teacher constantly refers to me now, saying you guys should all be more like tehya and participate. and he's like, even if you feel shy, you can participate via email.
i'm so shy, but i still sucked it up and answered a question straight away on the very first day. i feel like, how can i do that? it was a horrible experience, it phsyically hurt me to raise my hand, but i knew the answer so it was fine after that.
even though i have so many social issues, i push myself. hard, as i'm starting to realize. i talk to people first because otherwise they'll never notice me & decide to befriend me on their onw. i raise my hand or my teacher will never take any account of me.

ah. ok. well. i'm done with right now.

do do do.

i just got back from work
first shift of the semester and i feel like i always do after work
thirstythirstythirstythirsty
like i can't get enough moisture, like my voice is muted and dry and old
like the way your body feels after you run and run and run and run
just exhausted
but in my voice, throat, and mouth.
my tongue feels too big for my mouth it's taking up too much space there
everything is all run together and dry and swollen and tasteless and useless.

its a dull not-pain but still pain. like someday i'm going to get out of work
and realize that i have no voice anymore. like i've given it all away for some minimum wage
something irreplaceable for something with more societal value than personal value.

i wish my mouth could feel.
it feels like everything about me is duller now. maybe i feel less, experience less, live less, bit by bit, fraction by fraction, day by day in portions too small for me to notice until one day i wake up numb.

i really hope not.

she gonna teach me how to swim~

Friday is always good. Today is no exception to that rule. My classes began today at 10. Behavior analysis was our lab, which will be from now and forever on days where we take quizzes. We have to get over 90% on the quizzes or we have to retake them. I think I may have to retake the next one but it isn't a huge deal. I just think I missed three questions instead of the two that's allowed, so that really sucks. If we get 90 or above on all of our quizzes we don't have to take the final! So I'm really hoping I'll do well in this whole quiz thing. The quiz took about fifteen minutes and then I went to go get a warm drink before psych 265 which was our lab class where we work on problems and homework. I was finished with my assignment by 11:30 so I got out of class early. I really like that class even though its stats. The teacher is really nice and I like the way she teaches. Way nice.
And apparently for first semester, I was "academically distinguished" for having a good GPA for fall semester.. I didn't realize mine was all that good, but awesome none the less.

And I just checked my quiz results, I only got one wrong. Fantastic!
And Ian texted me this morning and it made me smile real big when I got back to my room and saw it. So, joy.

Tonight I might go see In Bruges at the film place. I'm so excited. . I hope we do go see it tonight, the people I usually hang out with are wanting to go out to a party or something. I really don't want to, but I might tag along just to hopefully meet some new people, but at the same time I'm betting on probably hating it so I don't know if I want to waste my time especially because earlier this week I freaked out real big and it was not a fun situation and I don't want to do that again anytime soon.

I'm also joining this psych book discussion group that meets every other Friday. It will have psych faculity so I'll get to meet them and they'll see me as a "driven student" and it will definitely distinguish me from the rest of the psych students and that's a way to get into the austism program, which is something I'm interested in again.

Ah, yeah. That's my Friday.

I feel hollow right now. Like I'm made of empty. I want to curl up in my bed and not take any visitors. Except there is no visitors, but if there were, I could deny them to make myself feel better. I guess. Pah.

I feel like I don't want to be around people but maybe I'm just subconsciously thinking that because there really isn't anyone that wants to be around me. I'm really bad at making friends. I've never really been as aware of it as I am now. It's never really bothered me until now-- just surrounded by people all over who are friends. At my parent's house it's more of, oh, if I'm alone it's fine because I'm not constantly on the outside of people laughing, hanging out and being around each other and everything. Part of me really wants to be with them, just laughing. But I don't know how and I'm pretty sure the most of me really doesn't want to, either.

My classes this semester seem nice, from the ones I've experienced so far.
Psych 281 looks joyful. I talked to the girl I sat next to, but I don't know her name. She was nice, I guess. Psych 265 is good. Going to be hard, maybe I can talk to the people around me. But I don't know. Mrr.
Phil 150 is kind of depressing because its in a huge lecture hall. There's this one really cool looking girl who has half a buzz cut and really interesting hair. I think she's a freshman. I want to talk to her but I don't know how to. She sits in the back corner, maybe I'll sit near there. But she doesn't look too incredibly social. Maybe I'll just creep on her, majorly. My phil 377 looks pretty neat-- there's this one girl who looks gay. And a really pretty girl named Pia who has a nape piercing that looks really cool. Everyone in that class is older than me, I think, but whatever, I don't care.

I wish people would just talk to me, I hate being the first one to have to talk to anyone, ever, ugh. I'm so bad at social. I have my first day back at work today, which is going to be returning caller training and then calling right after-- so yeah. I'm scared of that too because it's a lot of phone social out of nowhere since I haven't done it for so long. Mrrrrrrr. I hate social. And no friends.
Casey might get a telefund job! That'd be awesome.

Mrrrr.
Mrrrrrrrr, mrrr. I want this week to be over but at the same time what am I gonna do on the weekend? Ah well. Mrr.

1/25

Today was so much fun. Everyone I know came back today, practically, and we all hung out. Me and Casey went over to Kayla's today and watched Rebel Without A Cause and then David came over. Later, Josh appeared out of pretty much nowhere and then Bri came back. And it was joyful because everyone was back. And I finally had something to do with people.
We took a really long time to watch the entire movie because we kept pausing it and just talking a lot between all of everything. When we finally finished we started watching Flight of the Conchords until dinner then we went back and watched Pineapple Express.
I'm just really happy to be around people again.
I'm still sick and it is miserable. I'm just stuffy and sneezy and coughy. It's really gross. I have cough drops and cough syrup and tea and all this shit, why am I not better yet? It's been like two days but I'm really not used to being sick. So poop for that, and on it.
Classes begin tomorrow. Me, Josh, and David are waking up at 6:30 to go stand in line at the bookstore because it hasn't been open all weekend for some stupid reason and only opens tomorrow at 7:30.
I really don't care about getting my books right away to be completely honest, but since Josh and David are waking up really early I want to as well. Things are always more fun when you wake up really ridiculously early especially when it is for no reason at all.
My roommate went to shower and left the TV on some just ridiculously stupid show. I could just get down from bed and turn it off, but I just don't wanna get out of bed. I hate TV.
I still haven't met my new RA and that's depressing. Briana was always around and always had her door wide open so I definitely miss her. We have a hall meeting tomorrow so at least I'll see the new person. I hope she's awesome but right now I'm thinking there can be no way she's as awesome as Briana was.

Saturday

I'm sick for practically the first time all winter. Which is gross.
Well, I was sick earlier. I've eaten a lot of cough drops and I'm feeling a little less congested and germy which is weird and awesome at the same time. Casey just got back-- joy of joys. And I'm watching Mean Girls which is another full of joy thing.

"So.. if you're from Africa, why are you white?"
"Oh my god, Karen, You can't just ask people why they're white."

Ahaha. Simple cures, I guess. I'm probably going to bed early. I'm really excited for tomorrow-- I hope it will be fun with everyone back. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were pretty much me sitting around watching movies, episodes of Psych, Flight of the Conchords, & old presidential inaugeration speeches. And reading The Fountainhead which has pretty much captivated my brain for the time being. I need to fill out my study abroad thing before the 29th & classes begin on the 26th so right now I have absolutely nothing going on right now. Classes Monday but I only have two classes a day for the entire week because my sociology classes got cancelled so it won't be too hard. Or at least I'm hoping as I'm not going to be able to have textbooks probably until at least the second day. Or possibly the first if I feel like waking up early which I probably won't.
I feel gross. Mrar.

halkgkll!

Last night I went out to Minneapolis and hung out with Ryn, Katie, and Paul and one of their other friends who I do not recall what her name was and I was glad when leaving that I asked Paul when his semester at Stout started. . since we both attend Wisconsin colleges that start ages later than everyone else, we were both a bit worried and paranoid that perhaps somehow by some gross amount of failure we were both missing the beginning of our second semester. So we were both reassured by the fact that the other was not at school yet either.

I also had an epiphany. And that was, bubbles through gauges. So tomorrow I've having a day to commemorate it. And it also turns out to be MLK Day. Not MILK day. MLK. God, you people.

I am, how do you say, EXCITED for Monday.

And Thursday I'm moving back to school. I am excited but nervous but all butterflies and kind of sad. I love my dorm and I'm excited to see my friends but I know I'll miss Minnesota too. And Monday the semester begins, so I'm THRILLED to start new classes. I have a really awesome schedule that I'm more than just proud of and I'm excited.. And... I bet spring semester will fly by like fall did, and then it will be summer and I love the summer more than life and anything and everything. I think.

I'm just really antsy and kind of in a weird space now and probably will be until at least the beginning of next semester so I can settle down again. Mrph. Oh well. 

reír

I eat yogurt. I wear a dress. I write sad stories and forget about them.
I'm bad at words, phones, and feelings. I don't like when it snows but when it rains I like to dance outside.
Sometimes I pretend I like the snow just to see what it's like and it really isn't that good. So I will eat it because that's good. The band Astroblast gives me the heebie jeebies and I listen to them sometimes, alone in my room. My stuff's piled everywhere and it feels like I'm leaving and never coming back.
I'm happysad and just kind of curious sometimes, what it would be like.

I like to write and type words, it's the speaking part that trips me up. Other than orally, I love words. I love the way they look, what they do, how they sit there and just wait for someone to come along. Because alone, they're nothing, they mean nothing, they could be anything.

Right now I could be anything, since I'm alone. It's when I'm around other people that I'm me. But not when I'm alone, I could be anything, anyone, anywhere, anyhow. I am all those things. I am ten feet tall and my toenails are blue. My arms are bamboo and I have noodles in my hair, braided and tied neatly with the reddest ribbon you'll evernever see. I smell like peaches and disappointment because I don't know how to make her stop crying, or why she's even doing it to begin with.
She's sitting by the doors, all of them, any of them and being sad and I wish I could make her happy but I can't. She fell asleep on my floor for a little bit, but then a big spider crawled up to her and I told her to move. Not to leave, but that's what she did.
I followed, I guess, but she just cried and cried.

I stood out in the fourteen degrees of it and I told her I loved her. Mi querida, I called her, mi solo, mi amor. Regrese a mi, tu eres triste y queiro verle reír. My legs were cold, dresses aren't good for this weather, but she came back anyways.

I never saw her laugh.
She's asleep and I hope the spiders won't get to her this time.

sunday sunday!

Ryn and I are going to be superstars. We're going to release an album of a capella rap songs and it will be beautiful.
Today was mostly spent brainstorming what to put on our album. We will deal with band practices on a different day.

So far, we are just looking at tracks we may or may not wish to include.
The list so far goes like this:
Low - Flo Rida
International Players Anthem - ??
What's Your Fantasy - Ludacris
Play - David Banner
Gold digger - Kanye West
Air Force Ones - Nelly
99 Problems - Jay Z
I'm a flirt - R Kelly
Get Low - Lil Jon
lollipop - lil wayne
When I grow up - pussycat dolls

.

if you lived on the bus you'd be home by now.

My room is cold, and I am in my room, therefore I am cold. My fingers, the only part of me not under my sleeping bag, are rather disappointed by the turn of events that have lead me here, to this exact spot with these exact feelings, in the here and right now. 

But the rest of me is ok. I still haven't come to terms with the thought that winter ends. Right now it is all I know, all I can remember back to and all I can think of when I look forward. Just the cold, the dead, the stillness and what some might describe as "pristine winter wonderland" but I like to think of white winter hell. Endearingly, of course. (No.)

I don't like the winter. I won't. I can't. It won't.

I hate feeling like this. But sometimes I do. 

My car's dead. Well, the battery is, at least. I don't like to drive but I'd rather be able to have the ability to take myself out when I need to go to the doctor or buy groceries or any little thing instead of having to rely so heavily on other people to be there. 

I just want to go out and go walking barefoot in the summer. But that's like, a million years right now. The years go fast but the days go so slow. It's so weird to think about-- summertime. I'm so happy during it. Sunshine, just lying on the floor in a patch warmed by sunbeams. Usually next to my dog because she knows what's up. I love it. I miss it. This is the part of the winter where it is like, a bit over halfway but to the point where I start to go a little crazy. 

And.. FREE WEEKEND MINUTES ARE THE BEST INVENTION IN THE WORLD. Too bad I have no one to telephone.

the hills are alive!

with the sound of music! 

Today is the 3rd day of 2009. What a promising year so far, three days of just awesome. 

January first consisted of hanging out with Ian in the morningtimes, then with Ryn. We went to Denny's for some reason and then rented Burn After Reading and Planet Terror and watched them while eating sherbet floats. Woo.

January 2nd consisted of a job interview for Camp Warren which I am so incredibly excited for. I really hope I get the job because my life would be magical. After Ryn and I dropped by Becca's house (secretly because her parents weren't home) and then we were off to MOA so Ryn could check her work schedule then we went on a fucked up adventure at the Knollwood Mall which is beyond words but definitely was worth it in a creepy way. Then we bought flowers for Abby and went to hang out with her, then Wanda picked me up and I ate rice at her house and played with Caleb and watched Law and Order SVU. Caleb now says Oh my god, oh my god, and well duh. It is adorable. He still says whatevuh whatevuh I do what I want as well. Silly kiddo. Wanda was trying to get him to leave and he was like, "no, I want to stay and see your friend because I see her and I miss her!" And I was like.. awhhhh. 

Wanda asked me if he loved me and he said yeah. :D 

And today, the third day.. I am going to Dunn Brothers with Jake to do myspace surveys. And it is the weekend so my free weekend minutes have kicked in so I just want to call everyone and talk to them because it is for free! Aiiiie!