goddamn-- i mean goshdarn.

I’m always dumbing up the smart things
And smarting up the dumb things
And knottin’ up my shoe strings
And messing up the good things.

that's exactly how i felt on the bus today. i was talking to casey and then out of nowhere some girl started talking about some TV show and i was like, wow, i have no idea what you are talking about, there's no way i could start up a conversation like that, this is why i don't have friends because this is what people want to talk about and i don't want to talk about that.

this song makes me cry. i just bought it. i couldn't resist.
i'm broke as all hell. but i feel like cloud cult is ok.
god. so worth it. i don't even care.
my roommate is on the futon yesterday and i'm trying not to cry too obviously. i'm done now, i think. god, i don't think so. this album is so beautiful. cloud cult is so beautiful.

i'm so excited for may second when I AM GOING TO SEE THEM AGAIN.
my life is a magical wonderful experience. i guess this is the dream for me.
i've had a really good day.
and i had a really loud outburst at lunch. which is something i'm fond of doing because it reminds me of david because we'd have a lot of loud outbursts together and i miss him because he's a lot further away then i like to think about. and one of my really best friends.
we were talking, and he's going to a similar shy-not making friends stage and not being able to talk about the right stuff.
i like to yell loud and sing and dance and break myself in glee.
i'm really no good at people. at all. and i try really, really hard sometimes. but not enough. i never try enough, because if i did, i'd have something to show. i wouldn't be too scared to talk to beth. i wouldn't be too scared to talk to other interesting people i want to meet.
in my sociology class, i was the first person to volunteer an answer for the entire semester and my teacher constantly refers to me now, saying you guys should all be more like tehya and participate. and he's like, even if you feel shy, you can participate via email.
i'm so shy, but i still sucked it up and answered a question straight away on the very first day. i feel like, how can i do that? it was a horrible experience, it phsyically hurt me to raise my hand, but i knew the answer so it was fine after that.
even though i have so many social issues, i push myself. hard, as i'm starting to realize. i talk to people first because otherwise they'll never notice me & decide to befriend me on their onw. i raise my hand or my teacher will never take any account of me.

ah. ok. well. i'm done with right now.