Full-Contact Spoons

Tonight I went out with Casey, David, Josh, Kayla, and Bri and we played full-contact spoons in the basement of Governor's.

Awesome.

The rest of my day has been spent doing. . . well, nothing productive. Class started at 9 in the morning, intro to psychology. Then at 11:00 math. At 1:00 I had my intro to visual arts class. I probably could have spent a lot of my day productively doing homework and just getting ahead in life, but to be honest, I did pretty much nothing. Wonderful!

At 4:30 I met with some people from my psych as a discipline class and we were supposed to go watch this movie at 5:10 but it turns out the people organizing it got the times wrong so we just went to Acoustic Cafe, a really stellar coffee shop downtown. I boosted my karma by buying a kid named Garrett a green tea smoothie because he forgot his blingbling and as we were leaving I boosted it some more by giving some people money for a bus ticket.

They were probably gonna spend it on some druuuuuugs but whatev, karma still goes up and life is still good.

Tomorrow I have a busy-ass day. I should just go to sleep or something but to be honest I just want to sit around and be unproductive some more.

Peace.

my year in lists.

its late.

my room's rather messy, i have studying to do.

tomorrow i go home. i got a call today from a girl named briana.

she offered me a ride that i really didn't need because i had already set one up with some other girl, but turns out this ride is 100% better because she is leaving an hour earlier.

just two more classes 'til i'm back on the road towards minnesota.

feels great, let me tell ya. i love my home state. a lot.

my fam's gonna be out of town this weekend though so that will be kind of weird. i hate being at my house alone, it freaks me out.

i'll probably be too busy hanging out with everyone to be alone though. hopefully.

shit, this is just more procrastination.

peaaaace.

Monday, monday~

Every Monday morning at the bottom of the hill on our campus, there's a man standing in a flatboard sign giving out free high fives to everyone passing.

I always forget he'll be there at the beginning of the week. Waking up on Mondays is always rough  and getting up to walk down the hill, especially when it is all cold and overcast and you're walking to a class that sucks but every time I see that guy down there giving out high fives I can't help but smile.

In fact, no one can help but smile.

Its so nice in a way I can't even describe. You wouldn't think something as simple as a high five would do so much but it does.

On a side note, I just got an email from the guy who was going to be driving me home over the weekend and it turns out something came up on campus for him so he's not going this weekend. I'm calling another girl who was planning on going back to the cities so hopefully she's still doing that. If worst comes to worst, I'll have to beg a ride home off of someone else because there's no way I'm not coming home. I might even skip math class and just try and leave earlier. Oh, what a shame, missing math.

Well, this is stressful.

Peace.

i was out walking and needed to see the moon.

i was with these people i didn't know, i don't even know their names. besides casey, i guess. it was some of her new friends or whatever. it was me, her, another girl, and two other guys.

so basically somewhat of a crowd.

i didn't like the guys.

they were making fun of me for trying to find the moon. And it was in a way where it was like, "ok, you're a freakin' weirdo."

Uhh. K. 

I hate that because when I'm doing something I actually have a reason. It might not be one you understand or believe in or could possibly understand, but for me its legit. I think I'll be truly happy here when I can find people who ask questions if they don't understand me or just shut up. Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

I could go hang out some more and actually have some social interaction but you know what, fuck that. I don't want to anymore. I think I'll go outside and sit in the grass or maybe do laundry or maybe bake a motherfuckin' cake. Shitshitshitfuck.

I'm so angry I don't even know. 

I think I might be the only one in my dorm right now. Everyone else is out.

I think I want to cry but I won't. Because yeah, fuck.

I'm going to go find a baggie of salt and maybe some sugar, 

and fuck, I think I might bake a cake.

I hate this feeling so much. I need to find some people I can relate with or I'm going to crack. It hasn't been bad at all up until right this second. Fuck those guys.

I wish I knew the guy from my psych class. Because I would call him and say "HEY WE WENT ON THAT ROAD TRIP TOGETHER" and then we (and his friends) would elegantly sip wine together because we're winos. Or something.

Fuck this being shy thing. Fuck it.

And those other guys too. Fuck them. Ugh, fuck everything while I'm at it I guess.

I don't think I'm mad anymore. Now its just kind of nothing. But oh well. I don't even know. I'm so excited to go home and see everyone so at least I have that.

Then when I come back again I'll be cool. 

Ok. Peace.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day

So I've been celebrating this holiday since either 8th or 9th grade, so that's either four or five years. Years go by so fast sometimes.

This afternoon I'm heading over to the foodlums meeting. Alone, as usual. I really need to make friends. I talked to the one kid I shared a few words with on an early date today and invited him to come along and he said he already knew about it and would have gone but he had an appointment. Its crazy because he broke his neck beginning of his senior year in high school and has basically recovered but has a hard time with words sometimes? I guess?

I don't know but yeah, pretty neat.

He said one of his friends is going to be there, so hopefully I'll find her and be like, hey, you know Brett, please be my friend.

Its parent's weekend this weekend so my fam is coming up.

I feel kind of bad for being so excited just because then they'll buy my broke ass groceries.

Oh, sweet sustenance. 

But yeah, I'm hungry like you would not believe and it's time for foodlums.

Peace.

It starts now.

Abby was talking about how she was too afraid and shy to really approach people and talk to them in order to make friends at wherever she goes in Iowa. She was worried that people wouldn't like her to the point where it seemed like it was really holding her back and without her group of friends to fall back on she didn't want to face what may or may not have been rejection by someone she didn't know.

I don't know for sure, but whatever the case, it sucks.

I can kind of relate, I guess. I'm really shy and in most cases I'd much rather keep to myself than talk to anyone else from the "outside" world. As a result, I'm not really making too many new friends. There have been instances where there have been people who I've really wanted to talk to for no reason besides thinking they're kind of neat but I didn't because I was too afraid. I don't know what I'm really afraid of, its not like they're going to laugh at me or something for being friendly. I just HATE putting myself out there, hatehatehatehate. 

But recently I have been. Just random people. But not a lot of the people I've really wanted to talk to, I guess. Every once in a while I will completely freeze up, and even the times I don't, I still HATE approaching whoever it is I'm talking to and trying to make conversation.

Sometimes in social situations I feel like I'm supposed to talk to people, like I'm supposed to be the one to start talking. When I don't, it just itches at me and I'm just thinking about what I should say or how I should approach them or anything.

So, basically, making friends sucks.

Well, once you're past the initial suck it can sometimes be ok, like when the people I try to befriend are actually neat and actually do become my friends. So, I'm starting something.

I told Abby that in the next class she has she has to turn to someone she doesn't know and talk to them, well, just introduce herself. And report back to me. Like an assignment.

So that way she won't have to worry about not having friends to fall back on, I suppose.

I'm doing the same, actually, along with her. 

The challenges are going to get harder past just sititng in the classroom. I'm thinking some of the things should be sit next to someone you don't know and who is also alone in the cafeteria, talk to someone walking to class... various things of that nature. Just little bits of social interactions to make us both more comfortable. And hopefully get more friends.

So, tonight I did it. Sort of, I was really scared.

We had to go to a speaker today for a class. I didn't know anyone to go with, so when I walked in and saw the auditorium full of people I didn't know, I was kind of worried and wanted to look for somewhere I could sit alone. Then I saw some guy sitting off to the side alone as well and sat down next to him. I didn't really speak or anything, but after a while through the presentation he was laughing along at stuff and seemed really friendly. We exchanged a few words about the presentation but nothing more than that. 

I wanted to introduce myself, I wanted to talk more, but I didn't. But I talked a little, and I sat by a stranger. Good.

I've also been thinking about Meg's conversation. About giving things up, just for the sake of being without them for a while.

Yesterday I gave up buying anything off of a major brand or restaurant as well as eating any kind of ice cream. Already I've ran into a lot of angst because it got really warm and the cafeteria serves ice cream, and any beverages you can get from the main cafeteria or anywhere on campus are a main brand or whatever.

I don't know. Yeah.

I feel kind of good. 

i like it when my hair is poofy~

it rained today. big droopy rain like tear drops when you really mean it.

we were sitting in the cafeteria when it happened, i watched it.

we walked out and the drops were cold. 

they weren't unfriendly though & i was barefoot in them.

it has been two and a half hours and i'm still a bit damp. i guess i didn't take a shower today, or change my clothes. so these things really even out.

i hate not showering. i feel like it is something i should do sometimes though just to be dirty and all nast for a day or so. makes you really happy when you're not so dirty i guess. 

i don't think the new people i hang around with, excluding casey, really get it yet.

 or me. haha. get me, like i'm some sort of puzzle or math equation. i don't know. 

this weekend ryn and ally came to visit.

yesterday we went to visit ryn's friend marguerite. she's this absolutely gorgeous student at the unviersity of wisconsin-madison. meg is incredibly kind and interesting as well. i'm really glad i got to meet her.

she lives in an apartment building and her entire floor is made up of international students and they've all became really good friends so we had a sort of entire apartment floor party where we just went in and out of all the rooms mingling with so many interesting people from all over the world. 

meg had these friends from iran who she called the persian mafia and they were absolutely awesome. they were kind of my favorites, along with just about everyone else i met that night. oh, and the mexicans were a real treat as well. 

but the best part of the entire day in madison was when meg walked us around madtown and just told us what was what in the town. 

she told us about the religion she made for herself as well & i really like the way it sounds. it harbors practically everything in which i believe but in a sort of concrete way. gave a solid form to my ideas, i guess you could say. it revolves around people and appreciating the world. 

it sounds kind of stupid trying to type it out here though.

its really wonderful. meg is wonderful.

i'm so glad i met her. i'm so so glad.

i have a lot of sleep to catch up on.

but i probably won't be getting much tonight. 

the rain makes me crazy sometimes. 

peace.