It starts now.

Abby was talking about how she was too afraid and shy to really approach people and talk to them in order to make friends at wherever she goes in Iowa. She was worried that people wouldn't like her to the point where it seemed like it was really holding her back and without her group of friends to fall back on she didn't want to face what may or may not have been rejection by someone she didn't know.

I don't know for sure, but whatever the case, it sucks.

I can kind of relate, I guess. I'm really shy and in most cases I'd much rather keep to myself than talk to anyone else from the "outside" world. As a result, I'm not really making too many new friends. There have been instances where there have been people who I've really wanted to talk to for no reason besides thinking they're kind of neat but I didn't because I was too afraid. I don't know what I'm really afraid of, its not like they're going to laugh at me or something for being friendly. I just HATE putting myself out there, hatehatehatehate. 

But recently I have been. Just random people. But not a lot of the people I've really wanted to talk to, I guess. Every once in a while I will completely freeze up, and even the times I don't, I still HATE approaching whoever it is I'm talking to and trying to make conversation.

Sometimes in social situations I feel like I'm supposed to talk to people, like I'm supposed to be the one to start talking. When I don't, it just itches at me and I'm just thinking about what I should say or how I should approach them or anything.

So, basically, making friends sucks.

Well, once you're past the initial suck it can sometimes be ok, like when the people I try to befriend are actually neat and actually do become my friends. So, I'm starting something.

I told Abby that in the next class she has she has to turn to someone she doesn't know and talk to them, well, just introduce herself. And report back to me. Like an assignment.

So that way she won't have to worry about not having friends to fall back on, I suppose.

I'm doing the same, actually, along with her. 

The challenges are going to get harder past just sititng in the classroom. I'm thinking some of the things should be sit next to someone you don't know and who is also alone in the cafeteria, talk to someone walking to class... various things of that nature. Just little bits of social interactions to make us both more comfortable. And hopefully get more friends.

So, tonight I did it. Sort of, I was really scared.

We had to go to a speaker today for a class. I didn't know anyone to go with, so when I walked in and saw the auditorium full of people I didn't know, I was kind of worried and wanted to look for somewhere I could sit alone. Then I saw some guy sitting off to the side alone as well and sat down next to him. I didn't really speak or anything, but after a while through the presentation he was laughing along at stuff and seemed really friendly. We exchanged a few words about the presentation but nothing more than that. 

I wanted to introduce myself, I wanted to talk more, but I didn't. But I talked a little, and I sat by a stranger. Good.

I've also been thinking about Meg's conversation. About giving things up, just for the sake of being without them for a while.

Yesterday I gave up buying anything off of a major brand or restaurant as well as eating any kind of ice cream. Already I've ran into a lot of angst because it got really warm and the cafeteria serves ice cream, and any beverages you can get from the main cafeteria or anywhere on campus are a main brand or whatever.

I don't know. Yeah.

I feel kind of good.