this is the dance that brings the dead to the living. . .

i hated high school. so much, so incredibly much.

i can't believe it, looking back on it. and then looking back to middle school, which was far worse. 

this year has been the best. i can't even begin to comprehend or compare it, looking back on high school. i'm so glad to be out of there, i'm so glad.

i never have to go back, either. never.

this is like, endless summer vacation.

i guess this comes into my head because i've been sort of getting into my weird winter funk where i'm just in an insatiable mood-- ornery and argumentative and just straight up bitter. but then i thought back to last year and everything then, and junior year, and freshman year, and sophomore year, and 8th grade, and 7th grade and how inexplicably horrid that was-- i'm so much better off. 

there's so much wrong with high school that i can't even begin to express and go on about right now. i was talking with my friend casey here and was practically in tears about it and just everything. i think that's winter coming in too.

i feel really bad whenever i get this way because i'm not happy like this.

i don't know what's wrong but when i figure it out i guess i'll fix it.

i saw cloud cult monday night.

the song " the dance of the dead " makes me cry. i've been listening to them all day because ian lent me enough money to buy the meaning of eight. i'm so in love with this CD and with cloud cult and oh man. i don't know the words. i'm pretty sure i don't know what i would be doing if i couldn't be listening to cloud cult all day long.

david lent me his twelve-string too, which i'm pretty psyched about. i prefer a six string like hella, but whatever, its not like i'm any good at guitar seeing as i'm teaching myself and i've had this guitar all of one day. 

but it is just so much fun.

i think it will make it easier to get through this winter thing, except i'm going to have to give it back over thanksgiving i think, because that's when he's going to germany. but i still have my paints (watercolor and acrylic), pencils, and charcoal so that's always just a sensational blast. i wonder if my roommate even expects for me to be in here with the lights on.

i sit around with the lights off painting  or playing guitar or yo-yoing far too often to be normal, but i am a-ok with that.

by this time next week, i will be home. i am incredibly pumped. i like college quite greatly, i'm just really bad at making friends and this whole winter-issue is really making me bum about that a lot recently and i'm going to happy to be around family and friends again for sure. i miss my dog so much, i can't wait to see her again. when i said goodbye to her before i left for college, i cried. what is that?

i didn't cry at all saying goodbye to anyone else or anything else-- i wasn't even homesick at all going to college. but saying goodbye to doggy sucked.

i miss her. 

i don't miss high school.

i like ripe strawberries and i love new music.

i like making lists of things i like so i think i will do that now, right here. is that appropriate? yes. yes it is, it is my blog, i make the rules.

i like:

when i wake up in the morning and i feel really good and happy and the sun is shining. i like the seafoam green crayons and i remember when at applebee's we had to buy kid's crayons from target and i took all the seafoam ones home. i like talking to ally on skype because i can talk about anything with her and say anything and i kind of have a hard time opening up to a lot of people. i like walking to just local and talking to the people working there because they're always really nice and it makes me feel better even when i'm having a bad day. i like showing people i like places that i like, and like it when they like 'em. i like when people understand what i'm saying, not just say they do so they can have their turn to talk, but really understand even if they don't really care. i like when the people i want to kiss want to kiss me back. i like digging around in the dark. i like when people make poop jokes because c'mon people quit being so grown up and serious- poop is funny(: i like meeting really wonderful wonderful people and when they think i'm neat too even though there's no way i'm in any way comparable to them. i like words-- what they do, how to say them, how they look on paper or on a computer screen! i like e. e. cummings poetry and if you're unfamiliar with it i think you should read some right now. i like subtly referencing poetry, books, music, and movies throughout my every day conversation. i like when i remember that it is eleven eleven so i make a wish on time. i like human bodies - i want to paint them and paint on them and just touch and explore and feel and know them in a way that is not at all creepy i promise. i like going through the trash and finding coke rewards. i like being in a group of strays. i like singing as i walk around. i like eating orange juice concentrate. i like writing letters and i like getting them but if i don't get them i don't really care just because i like writing them so much! i like making eye contact with strangers and holding it a bit too long. i like smiling except for when its cold out because my jaw always freezes weird and it hurts really bad but i do it anyways. i like drinking grape juice at the caf with casey. i like wearing skirts in the summer and i like pants when it is cold. i like being barefoot. i like crunching the crispy leaves. i like it when people are happy. i like when i can see the stars. i like going to parks in the middle of the night in the summer when it isn't cold but even when it is really cold i usually don't mind too much because i like parks that much. i like large bodies of water. i like rings but i can never wear them because i just take them off my fingers and lose them. i like to learn. i like drawing maps to places even if they're not really to scale or anything, especially when i give them to people to find somewhere secret. i like the ravine, and come to think of it i haven't thought about it in quite a while and i really miss it and i will go back over the summer or in the spring again. i like circles. i like when people talk to me first so i don't have to start awkward conversation. i like when teachers know my name in class. i like art 106 a lot, more than any of my other classes and i'm actually going to be very sad when it ends because i honestly look forward to it. i like when people stand up for me because i'm really kind of a pushover i'm beginning to realize. i like edgar degas. i like knowing my way around places. i like twirling when i get the urge to twirl even if i'm just walking by myself and i probably look weird. i like explosions in the sky. i like when i feel pretty. i like making lists a whole lot but i think i'm done for today. i like ice cream, even when its winter out because i'm not going to let the cold ruin my ice-cream joy! i like when it isn't christmas season because i don't like to hear christmas music when it is out of my control. i like coloring books with cats inside. i like tinsel a whole lot. i like how i thought i was done earlier but turns out i like a lot of stuff.

this is an incredibly long post. but i have a lot to say sometimes and it looks like today is one of those days. 

i have a lot more likes, maybe for a different day. 

i miss talking a lot to people. i feel chatty. 

ok.